Bangkok’s Best Beer

A hymn to the inescapable: What would Bangkok be without its beer gardens, beer sales girls and other beer holes.

They’re among Bangkok’s cutest, the sales girls of Heineken, Tiger or Asahi. But there’s much more to beer in Bangkok than this worn-out superficiality of beer brand names over ultra short mini-skirts.

Beer is a way of life here in Bangkok. A raison d’être so to say. Beer is a a religion. Each brew with its own fellowship of devotees.

Take Beer Leo, the low-end brew of Singha. For some Beer Leo is the coronation of beer itself. “Leo is no lie,” says one connoisseur. “Unlike those other paltry brands, Leo doesn’t wreck the stomach, head or digestive tract.”

That connoisseur may have been thinking about Leo’s parent brand, Singha Beer, which ruined so many mornings after of so many dear friends. Some assert that Singha’s problematic effects are caused by its very own, exotic, secret brewing method.

Others simply accuse all the additives and preservatives in it. Whereas its draught and export versions are slightly more drinkable. But as a rule of thumb: Only drink Singha when offered for free. And still with utmost caution.

Even though the brew master is a German and Singha’s breweries are of the latest technologies. Boon Rawd’s Singha has several breweries in the Kingdom – I counted six. Each producing a slightly different taste. Depending in which brewery your version was brewed. You may dislike the northern brew. But love the eastern.

But still, drinking beer in Thailand sadly means to compromise.

Believe me, I worship good beer. I worship those old empty bottles of Grain d’Orge and La Trappe kept in my bookcase with religious fervor.

Good exotic brews are rare in Thailand. The Wine Connection carries some insider brews. But at prices of fine Cognac.

Reality is: Sometimes there is no way out. Being on a night out and there’s only Singha available, make at least sure to swallow an equal amount of plain water and/or Aspirins. Re-hydrate fervently.

Don’t take me wrong. I love everything about Thailand and its ever unfolding mysteries.

No problems whatsoever though are unanimously reported even after the uncontrolled consumption of brands such as Anchor (if you find it), the excellent Beer Lao (if you find it) and obviously Heineken, that textbook example of the benefits of quality ingredients and quality control.

Heineken can freely be used in the same quantities as plain water without any distorting effects, whereas about every genuine Thai beer asks for preventive caution and the very question, what you plan to do the next day.

Yes, we all know, we all miss “the probably best beer in the world” Carlsberg, which fled Thailand’s beautiful shores some years ago due to “problems” with its Thai partner.

Carlsberg enjoyed a “good reputation in Thailand as a beer that does not taste like a French woman’s armpit or a chemical factory’s rubbish dump,” confirms the Weekly Blog Of All The Beer In Asia.

Carlsberg produces an exceptional brew in lucky southern neighbor Malaysia. But with the wounds of the passed battle are still fresh and deep. Rumors about a possible comeback of Carlsberg to Thailand never became truth.

So we have to stick with some very inconvenient truths. As you can’t get Killkenny, John Smith’s Bitter, Draft Guinness, Old Speckled Hen, Foster’s, Victoria Bitter, Erdinger, Warsteiner, Paulaner or Corona in every drinking hole yet.

Take for example Beer Chang: Most probably you suffer severe stomach burning, symptoms like food poisoning and toilet visits the next early morning. “Some people swear by it,” writes a beer gourmand, “but I swear at it.” Chang’s Draught in turn is a different sibling. You may give it a cautious try. In controlled dosage and environment. Some German friend called Chang Draught a “Knüller”, a gas, overtaking Singha, Chang, Heineken and friends by far.

Beer Tiger? Could be an acceptable compromise, the hangover is relatively mild, but then again, don’t forget, Tiger is not really a Thai beer.

Asahi passes as a further acceptable compromise. A “dry” beer, as it calls itself. Not too bad, but not as good as the genuine brew back in Japan.

Then there’s this funny brew Made in Thailand: Mittweida, which promotes itself as a brand in the best German brewing tradition established in 1874. This history can most easily be challenged, as no living soul in Germany has ever heard of a beer called Mittweida.

Further investigation reveals that Mittweida is brewed in Thailand by the Filipino beer monopolist San Miguel. Whose Pilsen and Klassik Lager brewed in Thailand are of no shabby parents. The other tricky thingy about Mittweida though: Where to find it.

If you would get accustomed to its pseudo-German taste, there are about five places in Thailand where San Miguel can offload the stuff. And these five places constantly change.

Or Kloster, another “German” beer that “resembles beer in so far as it is wet and brown,” analyzes Bangkok Bob.

Then there are the strong brews immediately kick you under the table not knowing what happened: Red Horse, Black Beer Tiger and Beer Thai, aimed at the lower paid working class drinker. If you don’t request sublime taste, but knock-out effects: Just close your eyes and swallow the bullets. Even India’s Kingfisher – widely available in Bangkok’s Indian restaurants – becomes pure nectar in comparison.

Red Horse is a knockdowner with nearly 7% alcohol. A sturdy taste – evaporating in an instance, leaving behind a strange sweetness.

Leading us to Thai Amarit’s Blue Ice: A beer with a head you’ll never ever see again. It’s “secret” is the hint of added menthol. Should provide a refreshing drinking feeling. With cigarettes menthol most probably works better.

Amazingly, there are a some positively surprising newcomers amongst Thailand’s beers: “Light” versions of Singha, Chang and San Miguel. Latter though calls its Light “Lite”, what doesn’t conceal the sad fact that once you tried it you most probably will never ever touch it again – as “lite” is still an understatement of its lightness: “Strange,” as a friend put it politely.

Singha’s Light is a winner in comparison with its only 3.5% alcohol – even though it kind of tastes like a full body Singha “on the rocks”.

My favorite would still be Chang’s Light with its nice color and normal, errorless taste with an alcohol content of 4.2%. But give the Singha, in moderation, a chance.

The brewers take no trouble in explaining if their beers are lighter in alcohol or lighter in calories.

Make no mistake: Thai beers are an average 2-3% stronger than your normal beer in the West. What explains why Thais mix those ice cubes into their beer. It is not because they do not know how to appreciate the higher culture of beer. It is the sheer instinct of survival combined with the fear of what the very next morning will bring. Some ice cubes a glass give the hangover a pass.

Back to the new trendy “light” beers. Must confess: Singha Light is a most positive surprise. Not too sweet, not too bitter, with pleasantly balanced hops and barley – or was it rice?

Surprising as well the Phuket Island Beer with its exotic label. Won some Gold Medal in Belgium, home of finest beers, where they know how to render appropriate homage to fermented barley.

Or you’re stuck in Bangkok and you don’t trust the best and only want the real? Then there’s a last hope with the visit of a micro-brewery.

The Londoner brews its Londoner’s Pride Bitter and the Pilsner 33.

Or head for the one and only German Brewery Tawandang, worth an escapade from wherever you are.

Even though its two branches are hopelessly overpopulated and noisy: Just choose a quiet night and you’ll feel yourself like auf den Wiesn.