Hollywood has discovered the power of the misery of Thai politics. Guaranteed box office hits soon to arrive in a theater near you: “The Happiness of Sondhi,” “Prince of Montenegro,” “Thueag, I Love You.”

Release dates of the latest Thai blockbusters are not yet finalized, but expect the Thai film scene to take the world by storm after the “strange dream” Uncle Boonmee pocketed Cannes’ Palme d’Or 2010.

This is an exclusive, the movie posters of flicks starring real-world heroes and traitors. The kingdom of soap operas aims for new glory with the groundbreaking cinematic interpretation of what’s really going on, such as Thaksin’s “search for that M79″:

Coming soon:

(Thueag*, I Love You – “Love takes away loneliness. Why do you deny love?” – “Are you searching for M79?” – * named after lover’s surname)

(Prince of Montenegro)

(Spikee-Man 8 – “Whooo! I’m safe”)

(Escape to Montenegro – “The Theory of Escaping a Political Verdict” – Says Takki: “I can’t even save myself” – Sondhi: “They shoot me they shoot me they shoot me they shoot me they already shoot me” – Mark: “I don’t want anymore, I don’t want to be PM anymore. Can I stay with you?”)

(Thaksin 300 Bath – Or rather: “Thaksin 300 Baht?”)

(The Happiness of Sondhi – “The greatest happiness flourishes in the heart of the little leader”)

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Yes we’re all tired, some upset, some still hopeful. Some puppet masters are playing us Pharisees and Philistines. Still trying to decipher Thaksin’s latest Hitler and gay phone-ins? Maybe you need a break from it all. Why don’t you just let go and head over to the 4th Bangkok Fetish Festival. For more than just fierce red rhetoric – or more than even a plain old BDSM session for that:

Starting right in time from the 19th to the 29th of March. Chances are that you can enjoy the red stage for many more days and nights to come – and still find an open door until the early morning hours at the BarBar Fetish Club over at Patpong Soi 2. There you can even suggest your own role play: you yellow, me red, slave, whatever. Now spank. Class war in action.

Maybe you need a really good spanking or wanna know about the latest fetish techniques. Yep, they’ll be on display. All the ladies enjoy the kick, we learn from BarBar’s website, and constantly develop new acts to stay on top of the scene. All your anger, let go. Maybe you deserve to be taught a lesson you bad bad boy/girl. Main color is black, so whatever shirt you wear will make for some nice contrast.

Honestly, am not yet in the shape yet to require for some serious bondage, but you never know about tomorrow. The “safe word” is the limit, we’re told, just be sure they know what your safe word is before you get pampered by all kinds of extravaganza. If you wish to join the acts the mistresses, switches, dominas and slaves are happy to assist you.

No, really, if you won’t get much updates over the next few days I’m kiteboarding, really. Over my dead body did I get a free ticket for posting this. Entrance fee is 900 baht, one drink included. And don’t forget that word.

Details & map here

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After a long series of tumultuous coups with blood filling the streets upheaval-rich Thailand has demonstrated in convincing manner that the days of gory changes of power have come to an end. In a most impressive, clinically executed fourth de facto coup against fugitive Thaksin Shinawatra, the Thai kingdom’s disgraced prime minister, Judgement Day on February 26th, 2010, made it once and for all clear that tanks, guns and elections are no longer needed to achieve and maintain power, taking presented democracy to a whole new level.

There may still be some collateral damage along the way, but coups in Thailand are no longer what they once were, due to constant fine-tunings and adjustments in the execution and implementation of thereof. Already the first of the series of coups against authoritarian populist Thaksin on September 19th, 2006, saw tanks decorated with flowers and sexy pom pom girls dancing around soldiers who were smilingly sporting their guns. Even cute female soldiers were stationed at strategic key positions to please the cameras of locals and tourists alike. The world loved this distinctively Thai “flower coup.”

The second coup, the Charter Court’s removing from office of Thaksin’s nominee prime minister Samak Sundaravej in September 2008 on the grounds of his love for cooking, this second coup d’état was a judicial coup that made history even before this stroke of genius hit the headlines. Thailand’s powers that be made the impossible possible by spinning a seemingly irrelevant fact so cunningly that prime ministers around the world stopped cooking immediately.

The third coup, the sacking of dedicated short-time prime minister Somchai Wongsawat only a few weeks later by the Constitutional Court barred Somchai, Thaksin’s brother-in-law, from politics for five years and dissolved his party. The verdict’s exact logic remains contended, but this second judicial coup was so perplexingly straightforward that the word “coup” wasn’t read or heard a single time in any news coverage.

The fourth coup, the Supreme Court’s recent seizing of more than half of Thaksin’s fortune with an option on the remaining 30 billion baht, was presented as a seven-hour long drama with beautifully dressed judges in front of a captivated nation heroically fighting to not doze off. Subversive elements called it a latest attempt of consolidation of power and an outright robbery without parallel in modern history. Their hero, they alleged, was not that stupid to “hide” ill-gotten wealth openly in public Thai banks.

History’s so far biggest heist is considered to be Saddam Hussein’s stealing of one billion U.S. dollars from Iraq’s central bank the day before the United States began bombing his Baghdad in March 2003. And he didn’t get away with it. Due to his bad karma: “Villains are sure of getting robbed,” said Megaporn Mairuulueang of the Citizen Front for the Beautification of Democracy (CFBD), an arm of the Internal Security Operations Command’s (Isoc) public relations department.

All the authorities had to do, explained Megaporn, was to “accelerate Thaksin’s karma.” Megaporn herself is a graduate of a nameless Isoc elite unit and is said to have access to access-less inner circles, a rumor she neither confirms nor denies.

“It is here where we introduce bloodless power politics”, said Megaporn. The entanglement of jurisprudence and political and religious indoctrination – “wrongly called brainwashing by some,” Megaporn warned – this entanglement not only creates an intransparency that makes it impossible to safely distinguish good from bad. This entanglement confuses and therefore strengthens each citizen’s sense of duty and obedience which herewith forms the very basis of a strong, stable regime.

“Take Judgement Day,” explained Megaporn. “It could have gone either way, but our implementation of the Thai psyche in politics combined with our control over what people read and talk lets us basically do whatever we want, as long as its presented in an impressive, plausible manner.”

And plausible it was, to follow the Supreme Court’s day-long Shakespearean drama culminating in a verdict that actually everyone expected, but humanizing words such as “not fair” and “in the name of justice” made the judges martyrs for the good of the whole world. Not unlike saints they handed back a slice to the outlaw, a generosity rarely seen since genesis, affirming the newer trend in Thai politics that coup-politics may not sound right, but they sure do the job better than the electoral college.

“Look what’s already priced in. Even the recent bomb attack against Bangkok Bank. Doesn’t matter who did it or what the motives are. Give anything some time, repeat it and repeat it – and soon the most outrageous stuff looks plain normal. You can sell them a cat for a dog. Or,” she smiled, “a traitor for a savior. As someone recently said: But then again, we Thais have a thing for deifying human beings, don’t we? Now they’re beatifying Thaksin.”

The CFBD’s Megaporn recently signed an exclusive contract with an American publisher. In the making is a compendium detailing and exporting this unique Thai art of a bloodless hold on power. The book will be sold by invitation only, but Khun Megaporn has learned that she could have actually hit the jackpot with this project. Judging from hourly crackling phone calls she receives she assumes demand is especially high in African countries that are rich in crackling phone lines.

She keeps her “secrets close to my chest,” she laughed. “Close to my chest. Maybe that’s why the all want ‘em, 555.”

Looking the interviewer straight into the eye, she continued: “Key is to make everything look nice and beautiful. The nicer and more beautiful a change of power and a hold on power look, the less interested the world is, and critics keep quiet. Look, it’s this blood factor dominating international news since 9/11. The international media by now largely ignore our coups. Because they’re clean, so they’re not interesting.”

“Yes, some call our new politics a letdown. We get complaints where they are, the good old Thai heyday politics,” said Megaporn. “Whatever happens, our judicial scenarios are ready to roll. We got quite some of them.”

“We’re in for the long run,” she assured. “And we’re really lucky. We got a nice and beautiful head of government resulting in a nicer and more beautiful life is for all of us. In the end,” said Megaporn, “it all boils down to a feel-good perception.”

“Ah, one more thing,” said Megaporn. “If things go wrong, imagine a drop of blood on our bright shirts. On theirs, you don’t even see it. You’ll never notice.”

Asked if elections couldn’t be a cruel game changer, Megaporn smiled compassionately: “Is that what you think? Just wait and see.”

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There’s much talk in here and in Thailand forums about the kingdom’s culture of propaganda and institutionalized brainwashing. Why are Thai people not allowed to grow up and think for themselves? Which becomes all too obvious when you switch on Thai radio or TV. OK, there are some more decent radio stations, such as 98.5 Good FM with Saturday’s On the Rocks – still airing? But hear hear, when I read the following, I found a soulmate:

I bought an FM radio to listen to while I am jogging and have to tell you that Thailand must have the worst radio stations in the world: 75% of the programing is commercials, silly DJ talking about nonsense, and the official government news – which mandatorily plays on all channels, because if it didn’t, everyone would tune in to the channel that didn’t have it.

Who selects the music? Every half hour by channel surfing I may stumble on one song. On repeated days these were Puff the Magic Dragon (on an adult channel) and When Smokey Sings (I Hear Violins). These tunes are so bad nobody even cares about the copyright.

On Sunday I also tuned in to the prime minister’s radio talk, supposedly in Thai but where every polysyllabic word was in English (“competitive target,” etc.) and only the “connectors” were in Thai. I don’t understand this because all the words I heard had Thai words for them and also why not just have the whole program in English? Also, Abhisit Vejjajiva has a very boring speaking voice and is long-winded.

The hourly news program starts off with this Hitler music and the English programs have people speaking with very weird and unnatural accents.

It would be as easy as pie to beat all of these radio stations, I don’t know why someone doesn’t do it. I am guessing that either the usual connections are required, or maybe they don’t want good music since this way some people may actually listen to the propaganda.

Mr. Abhisit, you grew up in the U.K.; let’s start fixing the broken-down TV and radio programing and brainwashing.

TIRED OF MIND CONTROL

From the Bangkok Post’s Post Bag, January 05th, 2010.

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Here’s a scoop, but first: A new decade ahead – and with it new hopes and wishes, even though we all know nothing is harder to change than old habits and oneself.

Surprisingly, this New Year’s Eve I forgot to come up with a single resolution for 2010. Simply forgot. Becoming lazy? Because things can only get better?

Can no more quit smoking because that happened years ago. Spending time with the family always was priority no. 1. Fitness? Prefer the sabai-sabai-approach. But there is true need for change. Here are the Thai government’s classified New Year’s resolutions, received from a well-placed source within the circles of Deputy Minister for Vice & Dice, Sombat Mairuulueang, code-named the “Ten 2010 Commandments”:

Again, for your eyes only:

• 1. The Royal Thai Government will pursue a Face/Off approach in dealing with the enemy of the state, Thaksin Shinawatra. It remains highly confidential when and where exactly the surgical sting operation will take place. Expect Thaksin to soon have the appearance of, well, can’t disclose that here, but expect mayhem after two look-alikes appear, with one proclaiming he’s not he and the other one pretending he is he. Just wait.
• 2. Universally popular Lin Ping, herself a second-generation Chinese immigrant like most of Thailand’s top leadership, is the front-runner to lead Thailand’s next government after the Democrats dissolve themselves voluntarily to counter accusations of double standards. Kindly note that Lin Ping will be Thailand’s first female Prime Ministress.
• 3. A ground-breaking compulsory General Lottery will replace general elections. The courts of justice will be open to debates, true to the basic constitutional right of freedom of expression, and due to the foreseeable lack of quorum decisive baccarat and roulette tables will be installed in courtrooms up and down the country.
• 4. Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, retiring, will officially declare his candidacy for Mr. Universe, Mr. World and Mr. Galaxy to promote Thailand as the Shangri-La of beauty and peace – while reciting Shakespeare in Islamic boarding schools around the globe. Pro bono for that.
• 5. In a not yet seen operation stunning the laws of physics, Thailand will officially alter the spectrum of colors. Yellow can conveniently be turned into red and so forth, depending on one’s to be indoctrinated point of view. But first and foremost the universe has to be expanded to allow Thai physicist more leeway. History in the making. Tests so far though turn everything brown.
• 6. Next, Thai history and related history books will be rewritten. Previously systematically destroyed accounts of unbiased witnesses to history see again the light of day. Large temple fairs will be organized to celebrate the return of stolen territory to Cambodia and Myanmar while Laos is given the right to hold a referendum to peacefully annex Thailand as a 17th southern province. In the future it will be even easier to blame foreigners and neighbors alike for the general malaise holding down the once proud kingdom. It wasn’t us.
• 7. All over the country prayer campaigns are launched to support the environment and honestly wish there is still an environment at the end of the year.
• 8. After a long struggle trying to make sense of it all the terms morality, ethics and respect are officially deleted from the Thai vocabulary as there is no point in fighting urges and drives.
• 9. In a world’s first, Thailand is going public. Governing will be privatized. Tourists get their well-deserved share. This culmination of transparency knows no more need to hide and pretend. The head of the eager Thai Stock Exchange SET will be the de facto head of heads. Expect the rest of the world to, after years of dispraise, once again and proudly follow Thailand’s suit.
• 10. Finally to be named Land of the Free, people formerly known as Thais reach perfect 100% scores in oral satisfaction, monetary destruction and the knack to smile without actually smiling.

Don’t tell me this confidential list is not complete.

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Exorcizing Thaksin? Why doesn’t the Thai government relocate demons. As irrationality is not uncommon around here. Black magic, demons, the power of Phra Rahu – if you’re familiar with Thailand you’re familiar with the powers that be. They are very real. Which is why twelve “demon statues” at bad-lucked Suvarnabhumi airport believed to have brought bad luck to shopkeepers will be moved. At a cost of one million baht. Why? Suvarnabhumi wanted to become a world’s top ten airport. It is not.

Which is why the guardian spirit statues have to be shifted from the inner zone of the passenger terminal to “improve morale” of people working at the airport, reports the Bangkok Post. Nope, that’s not Not The Nation and neither The Onion, but the honorable Post, reporting that Airports of Thailand (AoT) president Serirat Prasutanond performed in person a Brahmin ritual in the airport terminal before the relocation of the twelve yaksa.

Weren’t baggage handlers at Thailand’s main airport already forced to wear uniforms with pockets sewn to prevent pilfering?! Not to mention the King Power saga that subverted an entire legal system. Police no longer extort tourists and sewn pockets, those and other measures assure an image makeover to put a scandal-plagued past behind – and the morale does not improve? Blame the demons.

The Post goes on, the decision to relocate the statues had partly resulted from complaints from staff working in the inner zone which has many shops. The shopkeepers are blaming the demon statues for the problems they have faced at the airport, which was seized late last year by demonstrators and supporters of the People’s Alliance for Democracy.

An AoT source said the airport had planned to move the statues to stand guard at the gates of the terminal but a Brahmin had warned the statues should not be placed there because they were the models of those at the Grand Palace and represented highly ranked demons.

The AoT decided to move the statues to face a showcase of the Buddha’s relics at Gate 5 on the fourth floor.

Bad bad demons. Why blaming corruption, greed or incompetence – even though, as a Martin R. considers in Post Bag, the problems

could at least partly be due to negative widespread reports of (shopkeepers’) customers being accused, falsely or otherwise, of shoplifting, then being ripped off by the concerned authorities; the ever prolific rogue taxi operators; the annoying gangs of unofficial tour guide touts; and, last but not least, the slow and surly service of the immigration officers whose attitude is enough to put off any passenger from shopping.

Instead of blaming fellow airport workers for misfortunes, those inanimate objects give the tedious blame game so much more profundity.

Must confess, who doesn’t adore this pragmatic approach.

Wait, there’s an even easer solution. Some astrologers are warning shifting the statues to a new location could bring more bad luck, reports the BBC. They have suggested a safer option could be to turn them to face a different direction.

Out of sight, out of mind. Conflict resolution à la Thai.

Maybe not too sustainable, but hey, it was the demon, not me.

Thanks for the heads-up ThaiCrisis

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