Govt’s Leaked New Year’s Resolutions
January 1st, 2010
Here’s a scoop, but first: A new decade ahead – and with it new hopes and wishes, even though we all know nothing is harder to change than old habits and oneself.
Surprisingly, this New Year’s Eve I forgot to come up with a single resolution for 2010. Simply forgot. Becoming lazy? Because things can only get better?
Can no more quit smoking because that happened years ago. Spending time with the family always was priority no. 1. Fitness? Prefer the sabai-sabai-approach. But there is true need for change. Here are the Thai government’s classified New Year’s resolutions, received from a well-placed source within the circles of Deputy Minister for Vice & Dice, Sombat Mairuulueang, code-named the “Ten 2010 Commandments”:
Again, for your eyes only:
- 1. The Royal Thai Government will pursue a Face/Off approach in dealing with the enemy of the state, Thaksin Shinawatra. It remains highly confidential when and where exactly the surgical sting operation will take place. Expect Thaksin to soon have the appearance of, well, can’t disclose that here, but expect mayhem after two look-alikes appear, with one proclaiming he’s not he and the other one pretending he is he. Just wait.
- 2. Universally popular Lin Ping, herself a second-generation Chinese immigrant like most of Thailand’s top leadership, is the front-runner to lead Thailand’s next government after the Democrats dissolve themselves voluntarily to counter accusations of double standards. Kindly note that Lin Ping will be Thailand’s first female Prime Ministress.
- 3. A ground-breaking compulsory General Lottery will replace general elections. The courts of justice will be open to debates, true to the basic constitutional right of freedom of expression, and due to the foreseeable lack of quorum decisive baccarat and roulette tables will be installed in courtrooms up and down the country.
- 4. Prime Minister Abhisit Vejjajiva, retiring, will officially declare his candidacy for Mr. Universe, Mr. World and Mr. Galaxy to promote Thailand as the Shangri-La of beauty and peace – while reciting Shakespeare in Islamic boarding schools around the globe. Pro bono for that.
- 5. In a not yet seen operation stunning the laws of physics, Thailand will officially alter the spectrum of colors. Yellow can conveniently be turned into red and so forth, depending on one’s to be indoctrinated point of view. But first and foremost the universe has to be expanded to allow Thai physicist more leeway. History in the making. Tests so far though turn everything brown.
- 6. Next, Thai history and related history books will be rewritten. Previously systematically destroyed accounts of unbiased witnesses to history see again the light of day. Large temple fairs will be organized to celebrate the return of stolen territory to Cambodia and Myanmar while Laos is given the right to hold a referendum to peacefully annex Thailand as a 17th southern province. In the future it will be even easier to blame foreigners and neighbors alike for the general malaise holding down the once proud kingdom. It wasn’t us.
- 7. All over the country prayer campaigns are launched to support the environment and honestly wish there is still an environment at the end of the year.
- 8. After a long struggle trying to make sense of it all the terms morality, ethics and respect are officially deleted from the Thai vocabulary as there is no point in fighting urges and drives.
- 9. In a world’s first, Thailand is going public. Governing will be privatized. Tourists get their well-deserved share. This culmination of transparency knows no more need to hide and pretend. The head of the eager Thai Stock Exchange SET will be the de facto head of heads. Expect the rest of the world to, after years of dispraise, once again and proudly follow Thailand’s suit.
- 10. Finally to be named Land of the Free, people formerly known as Thais reach perfect 100% scores in oral satisfaction, monetary destruction and the knack to smile without actually smiling.
Don’t tell me this confidential list is not complete.
Pity it’s only a joke really, it would have been a pretty good start.
Bit of a shame.
Happy New Year all you Thai-sters.
I can empathize with the writer. But my feelings are too strong to take refuge in irony and mocking. Kudos to the likes of Orwell and the writers of To Be or Not To Be but I just can get to that point of emotional detachment. So as a long term expat and provider of an occasional comment to your blog I have to confess that your levity leaves me unmoved. It’s hard to smile when I am beginning this year in Thailand with a strong sense of disgust and revulsion and with my holiday feeling totally killed by the brutal actions of the Thai government against utterly defenseless people.
Like everyone else when Christmas came I would have been happy to get away from it all and pretend the world is a better place than it is. Unfortunately, while sitting at home with my feet up I gave up watching bad TV. Reaching out from my comfortable armchair for another mince pie I was unlucky enough to pick up The Nation newspaper. A minute later I was viewing its coverage of the ruthless deportation of Hmong refugees back to the land where they will no doubt be once again persecuted. I tried to ignore Abhisit’s laughable attempt to reassure people that nobody is going home to torture and an unmarked grave … And I tried to ignore the fact that the UNHCR was kept out of this camp for years and therefore does not actually know who was there and therefore will not be able to monitor their fate now that they have been returned … But to swallow The Nation’s spin I would have needed to ignore an awful lot as there are so many other facts, historical and current that would have be set aside for the Hmong to have any chance back in Laos, God Help Them …
The text was summed up in a photo that really should win a disinformation gold medal. It really left me sickened this Christmas season. If you look on their website you can probably still find the color photo in The Nation accompanying its account of the deportation. Not a photo of the thousands of troops, police and paramilitary volunteers that “assisted” in the deportation. Nor were there photos of prison trucks, riot gear, razor wire fences etc. …
The Nation, bowing to its antecedents, gave us a chilling reprise of the National Socialist Newspaper coverage of the 1930s’ Jewish expulsions. A color photograph of the top of a truck that seems to be laden with unfortunate Hmong. In the center of the photo clutching the top of the truck’s cabin you can see a young girl smiling at the sensation of wind in her air … I am sure that you would have seen Jewish children smiling as they headed towards Auschwitz too …
This blog is directed at expats who some legal authorities claim may no longer have certain legal rights under the new Thai constitution. That the Hmong certainly didn’t have any rights has been very clearly demonstrated … Obviously there are plenty of other national and ethnic groups in a similar situation already. And, I begin to wonder when it will be our turn …
As a foreign resident of Thailand I would be less concerned with whatever might be the latest fatuity in the political struggles between locals, and much more concerned about how popular scapegoating of minority groups helps to create a fascist political consciousness.
First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out – because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out – because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out – because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak out for me.
I hope I am wrong but I think that the Boxing Day pogrom against the Hmong will come to be seen as a milestone in the ongoing evolution of the Thai state towards pure fascism. Like the Germany of the 1930s, this new political direction is a very popular one with some sections of the Thai people and that seems to be reflected in their media. When I try to talk about these things with Thai people I know there is little interest and much apathy. Many people I speak to remind me very strongly of those Germans who, after the war was lost and their country defeated, tried to claim that they did not know what was going on …
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@Jaded:
An excellent commentary, but you miss the connection between actions such as were perpetrated against the Hmong, and the ‘political fatuities’ you mention, because it is the same uneducated and immature mindset that is the cause of both.
In my humble opinion, I believe that Thailand is finished economically, politically and socially. I believe we are watching the demise of a player that never should have been at the big table, and only ever was because of the strategic interests of others, whose strategic interests have now changed.
If you scratch the average Thai pooyay, you will find a Burma-admirer who believes that the countries interests coincide with their own personal inclinations.
I think that this year will likely see a break-down beginning in Thai society, which will involve economic collapse and civil war, as other commentators have noted. Something better needs to be built in Thailand, but first, the Augean stables need to be cleaned.
[...] want to know what’s going to happen this year in Thailand you should check out Matts blog about Asia. According to the blog the general election will be replaces with generally lotto and the famous [...]